Oh, clap clap, reader. Yeah, you caught me: that’s a thinly-rephrased headline from The Onion.*

Enjoy your victory (to quote the citizens of Asculum, to Pyrrhus). You probably think you’ve outsmarted me, but you’ve merely revealed what you were doing at your cubicle all day in the early noughties, at that web-streaming startup, instead of coding. It’s because of bearded, Converse-wearing wastrels like you that at least 110% of dot coms never turn a profit.

Well—enough about people bearing no resemblance to me, let’s talk about me. Want to read something original? I just committed a major update to the Dark History of the Climate Debate. This version includes several fixes to the period 2011 onwards, which had an issue causing surreal episodes to be underrepresented.

The update is recommended for all Mac users who aren’t particularly PC, as it contains adult truths and searing, urethritic coarseness.

As usual, it comes with CliScep History’s Warranty of Novelty: if any factual claim is corroborated elsewhere on the World Wide Web, we will hack into our competitor’s website and remove the duplicated information.

When the facts accrete a new stratum of dust and pottery shards, my mind accretes a new stratum of dust and pottery shards. What do you do, huh? What do you do?

And at that time it was said that history was like unto an onion,

for it was either cryogenic or comedogenic, according as it was capitalized.

—Herodotus, The Apocrypha

*Having at length located the original article, I find the Onion’s gag differs almost unrecognizably from my recollection. It would appear my attempt at plagiarism was a failure, and in my forgetfulness I’ve written something substantially new. Which just goes to show, he who fails to remember the past is incapable of repeating it.