Comment by Kip Hansen — 23 March 2023

Now, you may think I’m trying to put one over on you.  But I’m not, really.  This advice comes from the Washington Post’s Climate Coach.

Say what?  Climate Coach?  Is that like a Life Coach?  A Planet-Saving Life Coach?  Well, sort of – the Post’s Climate Coach is Michael Coren.  Oh, not the famous Canadian theologian, radio host and writer.  A different Michael Coren, this one. 

What does he do?  He writes an advice column.  He is the Dear Abby for the climate concerned.  He (and other authors of the Green Living section)  has advised readers of the Washington Post on home composting, how to buy Green Bonds, offered energy-saving tips for our home appliances, advised readers on green funeral options (from composting to natural burial to water cremation – NB: Those with weak stomachs should not follow the link on water cremation.), told us that we you should almost always wash our clothes with cold water and that we should be taking flights on planes burning re-processed French-fry oil.  All in the service of saving the planet, of course.

His latest advice for  the “Save the Planet®” crowd is: “eat lentils every day”.

“Lentils conceal their superpowers with a dowdy exterior. Pound for pound, raw lentils have more protein than steak. While not as protein-dense once cooked, they pack even more iron than meat, in addition to other vitamins and minerals…..Today, the lentil is again on the front lines. This time, against climate change. While start-ups scramble to engineer a sustainable protein, from lab-grown meat to fake burgers, lentils are a ready solution, one with a proven record…..When it comes to combating climate change, the lentil may be the perfect legume. They’re also, as the caviar mention implies, delicious. So why do Americans eat fewer lentils than almost everyone else?….There’s a good reason. While not as dense or digestible as meat once they are cooked, lentils become a complete protein similar to meat when combined with many grains. They’re also a slow burn, satiating hunger for hours.”

And, lentils have:  “Climate impacts:  What’s good for you is also good for the land. America’s most popular crops, like wheat and corn, often degrade the soil over time. Legumes like lentils rebuild it.”

One more thing —  in the United states, the kids have a little ditty that goes:

♬ Beans, Beans, the musical fruit ♬

♬ The more you eat, the more you toot ♬

Lentils, being legumes, have the same ‘feature’ – which is what Coren is referring to when he says: “not as … digestible as meat”.  Eating lentils causes “gas”, yes, the tooting of smelly methane gas.   If all 8 billion or so of us humans begin to eat lentils at any large scale, we’ll have to be taxed, like New Zealand is taxing sheep.  (For the same reason.)

So, friends, eating lentils may not actually save the planet (may cause an increase in atmospheric methane)  – it may result in an infinitesimal decline in the eating of meat in the United States.  It will not make the slightest difference in the overall emissions of CO₂ and even if it did reduce CO₂ emissions, it would not make the slightest difference …..well, in anything at all (well, maybe a bit of discomfort in crowded elevators and other confined spaces.). 

But, hey, thanks for the advice, Mr. Coren.

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Author’s Comment:

Yet another, need I say, oddly cute column boosting absolutely silly and entirely ineffective ways people can make themselves feel better after being clubbed over the head, day after day, with climate scare stories in the Washington Post.

Full Disclosure:   I eat lentils, lots of different types. I like lentils.  We have five-gallon pails of lentils in our emergency food storage.  My wife puts them in soups and other dishes.   I just don’t think I’m saving the planet when I eat them.

Oh, just one more thing (h/t Columbo) – if your culture has a similar little ditty about eating beans, let’s hear it in comments.

Thanks for reading.

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