Back in the year of Glasgow’s COP26, TV land engaged in an unprecedented orgy of transtextuality to ensure that the climate crisis message was well and truly seared into the alpha-wave soused brains of the great unwashed British public. The collusion started with Emmerdale, where a bloke called Liam was shown producing a TikTok video featuring his new, ever so sustainable allotment. Apparently, this fictitious video went fictitiously viral before being fictitiously picked up by Coronation Street’s Gary, who shows it to Maria while they sit in a cafe discussing the plans for a new bypass. Maria clunkily explains for the benefit of the eavesdropping licence payers:

When are the council going to realise we are in a climate emergency — what with the storms and the floods not being a big enough wakeup call for it? Our council should be trying to save this planet, not building more roads.

To which Gary responds: “Yeh, your right, ‘course you are.”

Yes Gary, of course she was. And that is why she went on to organise a protest.

But that’s not where this extraordinary display of soapy cross-talk ends, because it wasn’t too long before Nate in Hollyoaks was showing his mate Ripley a news article reporting Maria’s fictitious air pollution protests. Nate then suggests working with Ripley to do business more sustainably.

And on it went. By the time they had finished fabricating their interwoven storylines, Emmerdale, Coronation Street, Hollyoaks,  Eastenders, Casualty, Doctors and Holby City had all got in on the act.

An ensemble’s operatic production requires quite a substantial level of orchestration. But to witness such an ensemble of ensembles playing in such synchrony is to see orchestration taken to a new level, particularly when you consider that such crossover of storylines had previously been considered strictly verboten. So what brought about this remarkable tour de farce?  Could COP26 have had anything to do with it? I don’t know. Do bears shit in the woods?

We could of course just accept the earnest exhortations of the actors themselves. For example, Coronation Street actress, Samia Longchambon (aka Maria) said:

We sort of go out of our way not to usually ‘cross contaminate’ the soaps but with this, it’s been such a brilliant idea and it’s a unique opportunity for us to get together to cover this climate change message in a special and entertaining way that will stay in people’s minds.

I don’t want to sound bitchy, but ‘special and entertaining’ were her words, not mine. Nevertheless, I don’t doubt her sincerity. And to add to her special and entertaining pleading we had Emmerdale actor, Jonny McPherson, bemoaning that:

It’s hard not to feel like the world is burning around us…

Actually, it’s quite easy if you try. But I must admit, it is getting increasingly difficult to find anyone up to the task, thanks largely to the brainwashing that Samia and Jonny seem so eager to support using their special and entertaining talents. But rather than place the blame at the feet of the foot soldier, perhaps we should be asking who are the military masterminds behind all of this?

Well I might have guessed; look what we have here from those psycho-boffins at the Behavioural Insights Team (BIT):

An estimated 4.3 billion people watch TV content on different devices for an average of 2h 54 minutes a day, across the world. In our latest report, produced in collaboration with Sky TV, we provide new data on viewers’ attitudes towards green behaviours and nudging. We go on to outline 10 recommendations for broadcasters on how they can use their content to encourage sustainability.

If you want to plough through the report yourselves, that’s your lookout. Personally, I wouldn’t bother. Suffice it to say that, amongst a great deal more, the BIT advises:

Broadcasters should also make sure to feature relatable characters taking up green behaviours, including those who represent more sceptical audience groups (e.g. older more conservative viewers). Plotlines should build in credible motivations for taking up sustainable behaviours (e.g. preventing waste or saving money), show their learning and growth over time, and demonstrate their ability to overcome barriers. Broadcasters should also work with their talent – actors, moderators, sportspeople, and other television celebrities – and encourage them to use their reach to influence viewers via multiple platforms by sharing green knowledge, attitudes, and modelling green behaviours.

Before you go away thinking that the BIT is just another bandwagon-riding charity, peddling climate change snake oil, I should remind you that this is the UK Government’s own Nudge Unit we are talking about here. Do not be fooled when it presents itself as an independent advisory unit. It was set up as a government department and has only recently been partly privatised in order to give the impression of independence. Be aware that it is still 30% funded by the government and that the Cabinet Office remains its principal client. So when they ‘recommend’ what broadcasters should be doing, they are not just dropping hints. They might be a bunch of ‘weirdos’ and ‘ultra-lefty academics’, but they also speak with an authority that is not to be ignored. And, as behavioural scientist Dr Patrick Fagan indicates:

Like true leftists, behavioural scientists also salivate more than one of Pavlov’s dogs when it comes to the idea of state control, a handful of bureaucrats deciding on the “right” behaviour and then rewiring the entire public into compliance.

Not that I think the weirdos and lefties comprising your average TV production team would need any arm-twisting. You could just substitute ‘TV executives’ in the above quote and leave the rest as it stands. It’s not just behavioural scientists that are the problem here — it’s the whole of the liberal intelligentsia who just can’t help themselves when it comes to infantilising and preaching to the supposedly ‘gammon-faced’ lower echelons of society on matters as far-ranging as climate change, vaccination safety, Brexit, Islamophobia, and a new biology of the sexes.

But I do hope I haven’t put you off enjoying your favourite TV programme. I’m sure the wisdom of those clever chappies from the department of nudge, combined with the special and entertaining talents of the ‘actors, moderators, sportspeople, and other television celebrities’ from TV land are being put to good use, guiding you through the tricky minefield we used to call free will. Of course, you can switch off and try going it on your own. But, judging by the following tweet, the BIT mob are confident that you won’t:

New BIT research finds 8 in 10 support the idea of broadcasters nudging #green choices through content and 1 in 3 say TV has inspired them to make changes. #decarbonisation #netzero #cop26

New BIT research, eh? I think they forgot to add ‘#nudgingbullshit’.